Days 19 & 20 - A letter for every day

19-Someone that pesters your mind

20-The person who broke your heart the hardest

I have been doing these letters on Vampirefreaks, but since the site is currently down and I don't want to miss doing any more days I'll do them on here till further notice.

Dear Ross,

        Not sure who I can write about for this one that it won't be written in a negative form ( Other than Tony, but He's getting about a million other letters from me so trying to vary :P )  But yea. I often think about you, you're my big cousin and I'm closer to you than any others, mainly because despite the fact you live the furthest away I still see you more often than my cousins who live about 15 minutes away. Okay I may not be able to confide in you about stuff, cause to be honest I get the impression you don't really care that much about personal stuff, but even then I can still relax and be myself around you, I don't need to hide anything. I guess the fact that you don't question my moods or anything is also a good thing because .. half the time, I don't really feel like talking. You just generally make me laugh, or even if we ain't talking we can snuggle up on the couch and just watch TV without it being .. weird, or taken in any other way than just close family.  You have comforted me before and I do feel that if I need certain questions answered you can help me, at the end of the day I  don't think I trust anyone more within the family than you. And that included my own dad, because I know you won't lecture me or push your own opinions on me like he does with things, and he tends to go off on a rant about something or other that has nothing to do with what I asked in the first place!  

 I hate it when you leave after you've been up here, I feel like a small part of me is suddenly gone. It hurts, especially since you never seem all that phased about leaving but then again you don't tend to show your emotions that much lol. Most of all though, I'm not scared of you like I am with my other male cousins, I am genuinely scared of them or talking to them for no reason. That in itself means a lot to me.

Not sure what else to say, so gunna leave it there.

Your lil cousin,

Hazla 

xxx

Dear Don, 

           I know I've already written about you but .. this is going to be about a particular aspect of us. You broke up with me after a couple of months which is fair enough, but it hurt- it fucking hurt. The reason you broke up with me? Because you didn't want your parents to get suspicious you were dating ..... Man, If you had done it face to face I would have fucking slapped you. I know that there was an age gap between us that would have probably irked them a little bit .. but ffs man up, if you really cared that much about me would you have been bothered about them not liking me? you were 19. NINETEEN, and you were still letting your parents dominate your life. Come on, I was 14 and I demanded more freedom from my parents than you ever tried.  The worst part though? Despite the fact that you knew I was with someone else a few months down the line, you continuously made me feel guilty for dating someone other than you.  It was you that left me, jeezus fucking christ. Did you really think I was going to wait around at 14 for the possibility you might have actually grown some balls? NO. I had found someone that genuinely made me happy, never let me down ( like you did on several occasions )  and never tried to make me feel guilty or jealous or anything on purpose. You mindfucked me Don, and it stayed with me for so long after we broke up and to this day sometimes I still get random twangs of guilt when you speak to me, because everytime now you're asking me who you can date .... HOW SHOULD I KNOW WHO THE HELL YOU CAN DATE. Ask them, not me. I know you can't deal with new people easily but jeez, stop putting yourself down and make an effort.

Your ex, 

Hazla.

xxx

I'm falling to pieces, and nothing can catch.

All I want to do is sleep, all I want to do is cry. 

Struggling to find the will to get out of bed in the morning, to find the will to smile.

Every night I'm getting more and more down and deeper into this encasing abyss.

I'm starting to doubt reality, how do I know this is what's true?

How can I tell that I'm not just in one big computer nightmare - and my whole life has been a hoax?

Potentially I know no-one, feel nothing. Can do nothing. 

How can I know that anything lasts forever? Or that anyone really needs another?

Sure; A loved one dies or leaves. You mourn for them, grieve, then move on with your life.

But the fact that you're still able to function without them there proves you don't really NEED anyone. 

See my drift? Never can you totally build your  -potentially hoax filled -  life and soul on another beings presence, as if it was true you would never be able to function without. 

Where does the line draw on your dependence on another?

But then again if there is no reality, there is no other. There is no you. We're the figment of a higher powers imagination, something so strong the images it portrays feel real themselves.

Can we truly say this is not the case?

We can never know. 

Maybe when we "die", we wake up in the place we REALLY are. Then realise, our whole 'life' has been a lie, one big dream someone else has planted within our minds. But then, when we wake up, the doubt will start again - are we really here?

I'm slowly driving myself into insanity, I need to know that life as I know it is real. How can you tell, how can you prove? Beginning to think the only way to find out for yourself is through the release of death. Only then can you see where your destiny lies. But, is there really a destiny? Is there really anything after? Or is it an eternity of suffering and torture? Or Worse .. an eternity of nothing but silent black, Strong and suffocating wrapping round you in velvet. No light. No life. No soul, no mind.

Is it worth the release of death? can you die after you're dead? Can you escape from the mindless torture?

As you can see, I'm questioning - seriously questioning- my mind and my sanity, my life and my world. I want to know, I NEED to know what's going on and pinpoint where reality ends and a robotic mindless image begins. 

I seriously need help. 

Words aren't meaning much to me these days. 

Trust also isn't meaning much.

Think I'm losing my trust in everyone I'm close to, and I don't know why.

Tell me one thing, I'll think you're trying to say something else.

Be nice to me, I'll think you're trying to cover something up.

Say you like me or love me as a friend or whatever, I'll be thinking you're just saying it because you don't want to upset me with the truth. Be thinking you secretly hate me.

I can't shake the feeling that people are hiding things from me. Or not telling me something I should know. It hurts, it really hurts. 

I'm beginning to strongly resent my attraction to girls. why? 

Because I get insanely jealous. I tend to get attracted to girls I want to be like. Not a good mix, so I'm thinking in my head 'wow, this girl is hot .. why can't I look like that .."  it makes me feel sick. I then get obsessed and feel like shit. Why can't I just feel, and think like a normal person any more.

It hurts so much worse, when guys talk to me about girls. I'll be agreeing, making my own comments or whatever on them, or even discussing me WITH whoever this girl may be,  but just thinking; "please .. please stop .. I can't think about her anymore, stop .. "

I'm close, so so close on relapsing on my s/h .. whether it be by cutting or purging, biting or scratching. Don't know yet, we'll see if it happens what it's going to be.

I'm sick of feeling like shit about myself.

I'm sick of always being the fat one.

I'm sick of trying to lose weight and failing.

I'm sick of feeling sick.

I'm sick of being jealous.

I'm sick of constantly feeling like the worlds biggest hypocrite.

I'm sick of being attracted to girls.

I'm sick of feeling numb.

I'm sick of being scared.

I'm sick of wanting help, but being scared to speak.

I'm sick of being so untrusting.

I'm sick of feeling like an attention seeker all the time.

I'm sick of constantly worrying.

I'm sick of wanting to be someone else.

I'm sick of trying to be myself.

I'm sick of hiding.

I'm sick of humanity.

I'm sick of crying.

I'm sick of trying.

Superchick - Crawl ....

How long will this take?

How much can I go through?

My heart, my soul aches

I don't know what to do

I bend but don't break

And somehow I'll get through

'cause I have you

And if I have to crawl

Will you crawl too

I stumble and I fall

Carry me through 

The wonder of it all 

Is you

See me through

Oh Lord, where are you?

Do not forget me here

I cry in silence 

Can you not see my tears?

When all have left me

And hope has disappeared

You find me here

And when I have to crawl

Will you crawl too

I stumble and I fall

Carry me through 

The wonder of it all 

Is you

See me through

When everything I was is lost

I have forgot where you have not

When I am lost... you have not lost me

You have not lost me

And if I have to crawl

Will you crawl too

I stumble and I fall

Carry me through 

The wonder of it all 

Is you

See me through .....

Questioning myself

We all have those thoughts,  at night when we're (physically) alone .. do you really know yourself? Is what you claim to want in life, what you really want?  What  you thought you've wanted since you were a little child .. is that what you still aim for when you've grown that bit older?

Children, for instance.

We're brought up and told that .. man and woman fall in love, happily get married and have loads of kids. We're brought up to WANT that life. But -women especially here- have you ever sat and thought .. do you really want kids, deep down do you want these little infants that inevitably grow up to leave you alone once more?

I don't feel I know myself any more. something, somewhere inside my mind, has changed. 

Do I still feel the need to have children? I think so.

Will I still feel that need say, in a years' time? Probably.

Am I going to feel the need to be so dependant on someone else in my life rather than being more independant, making my own decisions my own way in a years time? Maybe.

What scares me here, is .. a month ago, two months, a year, these answers were a definite:  Yes;  Yes; and No.

What I need to know is .. Why. Why have these needs changed in my mind?

I think this just proves the point my English teacher was telling us; a famous quote some guy had said: "You're not a person until you die".  Meaning, that every single day of your life, something is going to change about you. You can't say that you're a 'type' of person one day, then be a different person the next. It makes sense, you see. It may explain why I'm experiencing the change in feelings towards what I've wanted since I was about .. 5.

When I was 5, I dreamt of the perfect white wedding.

That changed.

When I was around 10, I dreamt of the perfect outdoor wedding, out of church.

That's also changed.

I was 13, I'd stopped dreaming about weddings at all. wasn't sure If I wanted it any more.

That changed.

But then again, when I was 13, I didn't want to live any more. So what was the point in fascinating myself with the future?

My plans when I was 13, involved me being dead just over a year now.

That changed too.

I had names and how many kids I wanted picked out when I was 12.

That all changed, all except one name.

Now I'm questioning whether I want them at all now.

I'm not sure what my point is to be honest, I'll probably feel different in the next few days, but currently ... I'm not sure.  Think I'm going to sleep, and see how I feel about these thoughts in the morning.

Night bloggers.

Instant Society

It has truly hit home for me, how much our lives depend on technology - and speed of delivery.

back before texts ( and emails, for that matter) if you didn't have a phone of some sort, then you would have to wait days, weeks at a time before receiving a reply from your friend who lives on the other side of the country.

Yet nowadays; people get annoyed, frustrated if their Facebook page doesn't load within 30 seconds?

 And all they really want to do is see what people they don't really care about are doing with their pet rock.

It was driven into my head the other day, during geography class; My teacher was trying to open a Powerpoint presentation on an old school computer. She started getting frustrated literally, after about 20 seconds because it was still loading.

we've become and instant society - if what we want isn't delivered in the blink of an eye, we begin to complain about things being 'slow'.  If you really want to know what slow is,  go back in time and live even 50 years before now. Then you will know what slow is. If you weren't fortunate enough to have a car to go and see people, then you had the gnawing wait before your letter would arrive. Then the same, sending away your reply.

We need to stop being so dependant on speed on things - time may be of the essence, however the wait can make the end product that little more enjoyable. 

Why?

Why?   Why what, you're probably asking.

That's the thing right now; I don't know. Something is niggling at me, in the back of my head, what it is I don't know. But why? Well, that's the bigger question that I'm unable to answer.

Been there for .. the best part of a week I think now. its like a very weak acid in the back of my mind, slowly eating away at me , but I can't quite place what kind it is that's there or why it is there in the first place.

It's affecting my school work; I'm unable to concentrate on what I'm doing; I've become very forgetful with things;practically cried myself to sleep most of the week, with the exception of two or three days( tonight will probably be no exception) ; my urges to clean things are going through the roof; and above all, I'm aware the way I'm communicating with other people is different somehow. 

I want it gone, I want it to leave me alone. Or if I can't have that, at least tell me why. Why are you doing this to me? You demonic monster inside my head, what pleasure are you getting from messing with my mind? If I wasn't feeling like I was already in a spiralling black hole, then well done - you've not succeeded in creating that horrible mindset. 

Little things are bugging me - the wrong tone of voice upsets me, I'm easily agitated even if someone's only messing with me. I don't know what to do to make it go away, I want it gone. Not sure how to make it go away, if I can't, I'm not sure how in the world anyone else is going to make it leave. I don't care how it's expelled though, as long as it is,  and I don't have to feel as if something is corroding my mind to the point where I'll find it incredibly difficult to feel anything other than a deep sadness -  because that's all that seems to be with me when I'm alone now.

 Before, Maybe a few months ago I was content to be alone at night. But now .. Every time I am alone it's like I don't belong any more, I shouldn't be here. And that idea has been hammered into my head even more over the last week. It's got me questioning whether I really should be here or not, despite knowing perfectly well I SHOULD be. I have a purpose. Yet this horrible little ghoul within my mind is determined to make me feel otherwise. The darkness that surrounds me at night penetrates my head, seeps into my mind and twists the happy thoughts I may be having into nightmares. If my childhood nightmares return, I swear I'll go mad - and believe me that will not be a pretty thing for those around me to endure.

I'm going to sleep now, or more I'm hoping I'll manage to. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning. Goodnight to all you bloggers; Hope you can have your sweet dreams.

Twisted Mind.

All I have running through my mind at the moment is SuperChic[k] - Courage.  I'm totally lost in the lyrics at the moment .. 

It somehow makes me feel like I should stick with purging. Not just stick to it actually, but do it more regularly. Take back control. Something I can never find within my self at home any more - it's always other people trying to control me. Well that's one thing they'll never be able to control, they can't force me to do JACK SHIT when it comes to food. They can fucking force-feed me if they want, doesn't mean I'm going keep that poison inside me.

I'm not going to let myself be poisoned with that stupid excuse for sustenance.  They lie to you, you see. They tell you that you NEED to eat to live. No you don't, just a way for the fucking Government to boost their pay cheque. Well, that's fucked right up for them then. Not letting them get to me any more.

 Parents can get themselves to fuck as well. Well, more so my mum actually.  She thinks she has reason to be pissed at me?  I'll fucking give her one then. I'm just one push, one SINGLE PUSH away from shattering open a fucking razor and letting the blood run right in front of her - see how she reacts then. Probably get more pissed at me, but that's the point. Just to prove to her she has no hold over my life, and she never will. Quicker I can get the fuck away from her the better.

To be honest, I wouldn't even be surprised if she didn't really care about that. She's stopped me from getting the help I needed before, so if she didn't want me to get better then she wouldn't mind me continuing the habits which could probably kill me someday. She never wanted a daughter anyway, so no big loss for her.

And I KNOW she didn't want a daughter. She has actually told me that before, her first born, the darling perfect SON of hers, before she knew he was a boy she was terrified he was going to turn out to be a girl. She didn't want one. She tells me that after him, she was looking forward to having a girl but I know she's just talking a load of shit so I don't feel unwanted. It's clear though that she doesn't, no matter how well she tries to hide it.

So there you go; A useless load of information and ranting. She doesn't want me to be here any more, well she never wanted me here to begin with.  

I'll make her fucking happy then.

"That was Andy"

Andrew Whiteley; 23rd October 1956 - 19th February 2011.

He was a loving husband, father, teacher and co-worker. Will always be remembered as one of the funniest teachers, yet serious when need be. Such moving speeches from my Headmaster,  Mr Whiteley's best friend David Renfrew and his golfing buddy Ian McQuarrie. Very touching service and amazing turnout; It was obvious that he touched many lives, and will always live on in our hearts.

I never knew him personally, but several times when I was in 4th year he'd come into our graphics class always laughing and joking with a smile on his face - he never seemed sad or down at any point, he hid the fact he was seriously ill very well.  He made the brave decision several months ago to cease the treatment that was prolonging his life; he was one of the many, many undeserving people to suffer the horrible illness of cancer. And last saturday, he passed away.  Even in his last days, he was still a cheerful joking guy.

It was mentioned in Mr Maxwell's speech, that one of the technical teachers were talking to him - " You taught me everything I know."   His response, quick as lightening " That's not something I would brag about."  Always joking even to his death. That was Andy.

You were loved, and you always will be. One of the best technical teachers I'd ever known, even if I never had you as a teacher personally.

R.I.P Mr Whiteley, in our hearts forever you will be. 

I Hath Decided Upon A Main Point--

I think I may use this blog for two main things:

- To help improve my writing/general English skills.

- To help keep track of my weight loss journey, publicly but without people I'm close to reading everything I'm saying just yet. Shall let people see in time.

I've had a problem with my weight most of my life; I began putting on weight when I was about eight or nine years old. I used to become ill every year for a fortnight, Gastroenteritis, which kept my weight pretty low. But then it stopped and my weight rocketed - and been struggling to get it back to normal ever since.

So far, since last May, I've done pretty well.  I've lost 2stone 5lb(35lbs for those who don't use stones), although that's partly down to the fact I was on the brink of developing bulimia. That .. phase - I'm resenting calling it a phase, but no other word to describe it at the moment - is almost completely over, it did last about 3 - 4 months but not on a daily basis. ( It was a daily basis thing when it started, but that lasted a fortnight).

Been attending the gym weekly; cut down on the amount I eat in general; cut down drastically on the amount of fried foods and sugary foods I consume; and now I'm going to begin training for the 5k Race for Life in June after my exams finish. So far I've not done that much, walked/jogged a mile and a half about ... 3 times? over the last fortnight. Damn you weather, damn you. 

      However I have tested how long it takes me to do 3 miles ( yes, 5k is about 3 miles -I swear they just say kilometres to make it sound longer)  in the gym, and I managed it in 43 minutes. Not too bad for a first attempt at actually testing my distance running. If I can boost that up and do more training outside, then I'll be laughing.

Now, stats. I'll give a key for those who aren't sure what I'm meaning:

BW - Beginning weight

LW - Lowest weight

HW - Highest weight

GW - Goal weight.

CW - Current weight.

So, my stats are as follows :-

HW:  12st 8lbs (194lbs)

LW : 11st 6lbs (161lbs)

CW:  11st 10lbs.

I now can't be bothered working out the stones =pounds ratio, so if you want to figure it out it's 14lbs to 1 stone.

GW1: 11st 7 ( I had passed that, but it went back up. Shall get there again!)

GW2: 11st

GW3: 10st.

What are my reasons for losing weight? 

Well, I want to feel more confident in myself in general. Feel good in the clothes I wear, and know that my health won't be in danger in the future. Oh, and so my fitness can improve. I like running but can't do it for very long. I want to be one of those girls that are noticed more, walking down the street looking particularly fit maybe, since then I wouldn't be hiding under layers of clothes to hide what I don't feel comfortable in.

I know that the whole 'skinny scene' isn't as attractive to people as it's made out to be, but I want to be like that. Not totally stick thin, but .. size 10 - 12 in clothes where I can have a nice tight abs and feeling awesome.

I'm suddenly aware that this post is going on quite a bit, so I'll continue this another day.

Au revoir, mes amis!

So You've had a bad day

Ever have those days where, nothing particular really happens but you feel as if the whole worlds come crashing down on you?

Experiencing that kind of day today, I think. Woke up not in the greatest of moods; when I ate - it added to that mood ( since I hate eating, I wasn't even hungry so I had no reason to); Went out for a walk and came back in pain for some reason, again added; and then -shock horror- my mother has a go at me for stuff that has nothing to do with me. So yes, that's led to me being well and truly pissed off for the night.

And the fact that I'm in a very reclusive mindset at the moment, I can't talk to anyone. Even if I wanted to. I'm in this bubble that won't seem to pop, stopping people getting in; stopping me from getting out.

 I just want to sleep to escape the pain in my stomach and legs, and hope not to wake with it still there. Hell, maybe not wake at all. Yes, that's how bad the mood is.

But; Let us be more cheery! Valentines Day on Monday. I Really wish I could be with my guy but alas, 400 odd miles apart kind of makes that difficult. Ah well, I'm happy enough when I'm talking to him, always improves my day. Maybe next year will be the first year I'll finally get to spend the day in his arms. But for now; his smile is enough for me to be happy on Valentines' Day. 

First Time Post.

So, this will be my first blog. Never done this before, but from what I've been told it feels good to keep an online  blog. Like a diary except anyone can read it - personal yet exposed to the world. Keep it hidden from friends and family but still manage to get out how you feel about a particular issue in your life.

I'm not really sure what my point is going to be in this particular post. I suppose it's just to introduce myself to the bloggers world and get the feel for writing. So what do you want to know?  Typical  Name/Age/Live etc? or anything more interesting. Yes, I think we'll start with that.

 Name: Hazel

Age:     16; soon to be 17

Live:    Glasgow Girl all the way! for those of you who don't know; that's in Scotland. UK.

Anything more interesting you would like to know? Well, not particularly interesting but I'm a high school student doing my highers currently.

 I'm totally against racism ( although as most of us are, guilty of the occasional racial comment. I don't mean to do it, they just come out and yes, it makes me feel bad for doing so) and animal abuse; How any any being could hurt an innocent animal that's possibly incapable of defending itself is sick - Not even worth calling them a human. It's a tangent I could go off on at a later date I think. Yes, Think I now have a topic for a future blog. :)
Oh, and of course. I have a boyfriend, whom I love very much. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me, has helped me get through so much and has helped me change my life for the better pretty drastically. 

And as the majority of the 'Ipod generation' seem to, I love my music.   I have a diverse taste in music; anything from pop to rock, metal to jazz, electro to industrial, you get the idea. I'll give anything a listen at least once!

Think that's a wrap for a first post, don't want to bore anyone with too much so early on. That's if anyone even reads this straight off, but I'm not bothered. :)