Twisted Mind.

All I have running through my mind at the moment is SuperChic[k] - Courage.  I'm totally lost in the lyrics at the moment .. 

It somehow makes me feel like I should stick with purging. Not just stick to it actually, but do it more regularly. Take back control. Something I can never find within my self at home any more - it's always other people trying to control me. Well that's one thing they'll never be able to control, they can't force me to do JACK SHIT when it comes to food. They can fucking force-feed me if they want, doesn't mean I'm going keep that poison inside me.

I'm not going to let myself be poisoned with that stupid excuse for sustenance.  They lie to you, you see. They tell you that you NEED to eat to live. No you don't, just a way for the fucking Government to boost their pay cheque. Well, that's fucked right up for them then. Not letting them get to me any more.

 Parents can get themselves to fuck as well. Well, more so my mum actually.  She thinks she has reason to be pissed at me?  I'll fucking give her one then. I'm just one push, one SINGLE PUSH away from shattering open a fucking razor and letting the blood run right in front of her - see how she reacts then. Probably get more pissed at me, but that's the point. Just to prove to her she has no hold over my life, and she never will. Quicker I can get the fuck away from her the better.

To be honest, I wouldn't even be surprised if she didn't really care about that. She's stopped me from getting the help I needed before, so if she didn't want me to get better then she wouldn't mind me continuing the habits which could probably kill me someday. She never wanted a daughter anyway, so no big loss for her.

And I KNOW she didn't want a daughter. She has actually told me that before, her first born, the darling perfect SON of hers, before she knew he was a boy she was terrified he was going to turn out to be a girl. She didn't want one. She tells me that after him, she was looking forward to having a girl but I know she's just talking a load of shit so I don't feel unwanted. It's clear though that she doesn't, no matter how well she tries to hide it.

So there you go; A useless load of information and ranting. She doesn't want me to be here any more, well she never wanted me here to begin with.  

I'll make her fucking happy then.