Questioning myself

We all have those thoughts,  at night when we're (physically) alone .. do you really know yourself? Is what you claim to want in life, what you really want?  What  you thought you've wanted since you were a little child .. is that what you still aim for when you've grown that bit older?

Children, for instance.

We're brought up and told that .. man and woman fall in love, happily get married and have loads of kids. We're brought up to WANT that life. But -women especially here- have you ever sat and thought .. do you really want kids, deep down do you want these little infants that inevitably grow up to leave you alone once more?

I don't feel I know myself any more. something, somewhere inside my mind, has changed. 

Do I still feel the need to have children? I think so.

Will I still feel that need say, in a years' time? Probably.

Am I going to feel the need to be so dependant on someone else in my life rather than being more independant, making my own decisions my own way in a years time? Maybe.

What scares me here, is .. a month ago, two months, a year, these answers were a definite:  Yes;  Yes; and No.

What I need to know is .. Why. Why have these needs changed in my mind?

I think this just proves the point my English teacher was telling us; a famous quote some guy had said: "You're not a person until you die".  Meaning, that every single day of your life, something is going to change about you. You can't say that you're a 'type' of person one day, then be a different person the next. It makes sense, you see. It may explain why I'm experiencing the change in feelings towards what I've wanted since I was about .. 5.

When I was 5, I dreamt of the perfect white wedding.

That changed.

When I was around 10, I dreamt of the perfect outdoor wedding, out of church.

That's also changed.

I was 13, I'd stopped dreaming about weddings at all. wasn't sure If I wanted it any more.

That changed.

But then again, when I was 13, I didn't want to live any more. So what was the point in fascinating myself with the future?

My plans when I was 13, involved me being dead just over a year now.

That changed too.

I had names and how many kids I wanted picked out when I was 12.

That all changed, all except one name.

Now I'm questioning whether I want them at all now.

I'm not sure what my point is to be honest, I'll probably feel different in the next few days, but currently ... I'm not sure.  Think I'm going to sleep, and see how I feel about these thoughts in the morning.

Night bloggers.

Why?

Why?   Why what, you're probably asking.

That's the thing right now; I don't know. Something is niggling at me, in the back of my head, what it is I don't know. But why? Well, that's the bigger question that I'm unable to answer.

Been there for .. the best part of a week I think now. its like a very weak acid in the back of my mind, slowly eating away at me , but I can't quite place what kind it is that's there or why it is there in the first place.

It's affecting my school work; I'm unable to concentrate on what I'm doing; I've become very forgetful with things;practically cried myself to sleep most of the week, with the exception of two or three days( tonight will probably be no exception) ; my urges to clean things are going through the roof; and above all, I'm aware the way I'm communicating with other people is different somehow. 

I want it gone, I want it to leave me alone. Or if I can't have that, at least tell me why. Why are you doing this to me? You demonic monster inside my head, what pleasure are you getting from messing with my mind? If I wasn't feeling like I was already in a spiralling black hole, then well done - you've not succeeded in creating that horrible mindset. 

Little things are bugging me - the wrong tone of voice upsets me, I'm easily agitated even if someone's only messing with me. I don't know what to do to make it go away, I want it gone. Not sure how to make it go away, if I can't, I'm not sure how in the world anyone else is going to make it leave. I don't care how it's expelled though, as long as it is,  and I don't have to feel as if something is corroding my mind to the point where I'll find it incredibly difficult to feel anything other than a deep sadness -  because that's all that seems to be with me when I'm alone now.

 Before, Maybe a few months ago I was content to be alone at night. But now .. Every time I am alone it's like I don't belong any more, I shouldn't be here. And that idea has been hammered into my head even more over the last week. It's got me questioning whether I really should be here or not, despite knowing perfectly well I SHOULD be. I have a purpose. Yet this horrible little ghoul within my mind is determined to make me feel otherwise. The darkness that surrounds me at night penetrates my head, seeps into my mind and twists the happy thoughts I may be having into nightmares. If my childhood nightmares return, I swear I'll go mad - and believe me that will not be a pretty thing for those around me to endure.

I'm going to sleep now, or more I'm hoping I'll manage to. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning. Goodnight to all you bloggers; Hope you can have your sweet dreams.