I'm so confused..

I feel numb. Something just doesn't feel right. I'm currently no longer comfortable in my own skin. I'm not enjoying company again, which .. recently I actually began to enjoy and want to do. There's only 3 people I'm comfortable with being around for long periods of time. I'm not sure what the hell is going on inside my head, but.. It's weird and it's scaring me. 

There's very little than can be done to actually make me genuinely happy, and stay that way for more than an hour.  I'm honestly so scared of what I'm going to end up doing. 

Almost 2 years, I've gone without self-harming.   I don't think that's going to last much longer though. and if I do break my abstinence from it... I can't say how bad it's going to be. I mean, 2 years of pent-up frustration, anger, sadness, numbness and depression that I got through without resorting to hurting myself is all going to burst out at once and, I don't think my flesh will be able to accommodate that; most likely it's going to have some pretty dire consequences.


So much is changing. I'm not doubting my decisions but I'm becoming more and more aware of what I'm going to be giving up, and if I'm honest I'm not fully sure I'm ready - but I'm still doing, I'm still moving. It's going to kill in a huge way, I'm going to miss so many people but I'm still going.

People think it's easy to stop self-harming. Majority of people don't realise, for most, it's a physical and psychological addiction. After doing it for a while, it becomes very difficult to live without and it gets stronger, you need more pain to feel the same release as you did in the beginning. It's like any drug, and just as deadly. Even after becoming clean of the drugs, the urges and withdrawals are almost unbearable.

 When I get urges, all I can feel is an itching like needles in my scars from previous cuts. And when they're bad enough it's pretty much impossible to ignore, and they don't go away for days on end. There's been times where I've ended up in tears, clawing at the scars to get them to stop. I miss being able to sort the itching in an instant. I yearn for the ability to cease the suffering, both mind and body. I don't think I can take it much longer.

The day is going to come, soon. Where I'm going to lift my blade, and my ability to avoid hurting myself any longer is going to be broken. Along with the rest of my world, as it shatters into dust and blood leaching out of what was left of my life. And there's the high risk it's going to go too deep, my existence as I know it will blur and fade away, and I make my last mistake.

I'm terrified.

Days 19 & 20 - A letter for every day

19-Someone that pesters your mind

20-The person who broke your heart the hardest

I have been doing these letters on Vampirefreaks, but since the site is currently down and I don't want to miss doing any more days I'll do them on here till further notice.

Dear Ross,

        Not sure who I can write about for this one that it won't be written in a negative form ( Other than Tony, but He's getting about a million other letters from me so trying to vary :P )  But yea. I often think about you, you're my big cousin and I'm closer to you than any others, mainly because despite the fact you live the furthest away I still see you more often than my cousins who live about 15 minutes away. Okay I may not be able to confide in you about stuff, cause to be honest I get the impression you don't really care that much about personal stuff, but even then I can still relax and be myself around you, I don't need to hide anything. I guess the fact that you don't question my moods or anything is also a good thing because .. half the time, I don't really feel like talking. You just generally make me laugh, or even if we ain't talking we can snuggle up on the couch and just watch TV without it being .. weird, or taken in any other way than just close family.  You have comforted me before and I do feel that if I need certain questions answered you can help me, at the end of the day I  don't think I trust anyone more within the family than you. And that included my own dad, because I know you won't lecture me or push your own opinions on me like he does with things, and he tends to go off on a rant about something or other that has nothing to do with what I asked in the first place!  

 I hate it when you leave after you've been up here, I feel like a small part of me is suddenly gone. It hurts, especially since you never seem all that phased about leaving but then again you don't tend to show your emotions that much lol. Most of all though, I'm not scared of you like I am with my other male cousins, I am genuinely scared of them or talking to them for no reason. That in itself means a lot to me.

Not sure what else to say, so gunna leave it there.

Your lil cousin,

Hazla 

xxx

Dear Don, 

           I know I've already written about you but .. this is going to be about a particular aspect of us. You broke up with me after a couple of months which is fair enough, but it hurt- it fucking hurt. The reason you broke up with me? Because you didn't want your parents to get suspicious you were dating ..... Man, If you had done it face to face I would have fucking slapped you. I know that there was an age gap between us that would have probably irked them a little bit .. but ffs man up, if you really cared that much about me would you have been bothered about them not liking me? you were 19. NINETEEN, and you were still letting your parents dominate your life. Come on, I was 14 and I demanded more freedom from my parents than you ever tried.  The worst part though? Despite the fact that you knew I was with someone else a few months down the line, you continuously made me feel guilty for dating someone other than you.  It was you that left me, jeezus fucking christ. Did you really think I was going to wait around at 14 for the possibility you might have actually grown some balls? NO. I had found someone that genuinely made me happy, never let me down ( like you did on several occasions )  and never tried to make me feel guilty or jealous or anything on purpose. You mindfucked me Don, and it stayed with me for so long after we broke up and to this day sometimes I still get random twangs of guilt when you speak to me, because everytime now you're asking me who you can date .... HOW SHOULD I KNOW WHO THE HELL YOU CAN DATE. Ask them, not me. I know you can't deal with new people easily but jeez, stop putting yourself down and make an effort.

Your ex, 

Hazla.

xxx

I'm falling to pieces, and nothing can catch.

All I want to do is sleep, all I want to do is cry. 

Struggling to find the will to get out of bed in the morning, to find the will to smile.

Every night I'm getting more and more down and deeper into this encasing abyss.

I'm starting to doubt reality, how do I know this is what's true?

How can I tell that I'm not just in one big computer nightmare - and my whole life has been a hoax?

Potentially I know no-one, feel nothing. Can do nothing. 

How can I know that anything lasts forever? Or that anyone really needs another?

Sure; A loved one dies or leaves. You mourn for them, grieve, then move on with your life.

But the fact that you're still able to function without them there proves you don't really NEED anyone. 

See my drift? Never can you totally build your  -potentially hoax filled -  life and soul on another beings presence, as if it was true you would never be able to function without. 

Where does the line draw on your dependence on another?

But then again if there is no reality, there is no other. There is no you. We're the figment of a higher powers imagination, something so strong the images it portrays feel real themselves.

Can we truly say this is not the case?

We can never know. 

Maybe when we "die", we wake up in the place we REALLY are. Then realise, our whole 'life' has been a lie, one big dream someone else has planted within our minds. But then, when we wake up, the doubt will start again - are we really here?

I'm slowly driving myself into insanity, I need to know that life as I know it is real. How can you tell, how can you prove? Beginning to think the only way to find out for yourself is through the release of death. Only then can you see where your destiny lies. But, is there really a destiny? Is there really anything after? Or is it an eternity of suffering and torture? Or Worse .. an eternity of nothing but silent black, Strong and suffocating wrapping round you in velvet. No light. No life. No soul, no mind.

Is it worth the release of death? can you die after you're dead? Can you escape from the mindless torture?

As you can see, I'm questioning - seriously questioning- my mind and my sanity, my life and my world. I want to know, I NEED to know what's going on and pinpoint where reality ends and a robotic mindless image begins. 

I seriously need help. 

Words aren't meaning much to me these days. 

Trust also isn't meaning much.

Think I'm losing my trust in everyone I'm close to, and I don't know why.

Tell me one thing, I'll think you're trying to say something else.

Be nice to me, I'll think you're trying to cover something up.

Say you like me or love me as a friend or whatever, I'll be thinking you're just saying it because you don't want to upset me with the truth. Be thinking you secretly hate me.

I can't shake the feeling that people are hiding things from me. Or not telling me something I should know. It hurts, it really hurts. 

I'm beginning to strongly resent my attraction to girls. why? 

Because I get insanely jealous. I tend to get attracted to girls I want to be like. Not a good mix, so I'm thinking in my head 'wow, this girl is hot .. why can't I look like that .."  it makes me feel sick. I then get obsessed and feel like shit. Why can't I just feel, and think like a normal person any more.

It hurts so much worse, when guys talk to me about girls. I'll be agreeing, making my own comments or whatever on them, or even discussing me WITH whoever this girl may be,  but just thinking; "please .. please stop .. I can't think about her anymore, stop .. "

I'm close, so so close on relapsing on my s/h .. whether it be by cutting or purging, biting or scratching. Don't know yet, we'll see if it happens what it's going to be.

I'm sick of feeling like shit about myself.

I'm sick of always being the fat one.

I'm sick of trying to lose weight and failing.

I'm sick of feeling sick.

I'm sick of being jealous.

I'm sick of constantly feeling like the worlds biggest hypocrite.

I'm sick of being attracted to girls.

I'm sick of feeling numb.

I'm sick of being scared.

I'm sick of wanting help, but being scared to speak.

I'm sick of being so untrusting.

I'm sick of feeling like an attention seeker all the time.

I'm sick of constantly worrying.

I'm sick of wanting to be someone else.

I'm sick of trying to be myself.

I'm sick of hiding.

I'm sick of humanity.

I'm sick of crying.

I'm sick of trying.

Superchick - Crawl ....

How long will this take?

How much can I go through?

My heart, my soul aches

I don't know what to do

I bend but don't break

And somehow I'll get through

'cause I have you

And if I have to crawl

Will you crawl too

I stumble and I fall

Carry me through 

The wonder of it all 

Is you

See me through

Oh Lord, where are you?

Do not forget me here

I cry in silence 

Can you not see my tears?

When all have left me

And hope has disappeared

You find me here

And when I have to crawl

Will you crawl too

I stumble and I fall

Carry me through 

The wonder of it all 

Is you

See me through

When everything I was is lost

I have forgot where you have not

When I am lost... you have not lost me

You have not lost me

And if I have to crawl

Will you crawl too

I stumble and I fall

Carry me through 

The wonder of it all 

Is you

See me through .....

Questioning myself

We all have those thoughts,  at night when we're (physically) alone .. do you really know yourself? Is what you claim to want in life, what you really want?  What  you thought you've wanted since you were a little child .. is that what you still aim for when you've grown that bit older?

Children, for instance.

We're brought up and told that .. man and woman fall in love, happily get married and have loads of kids. We're brought up to WANT that life. But -women especially here- have you ever sat and thought .. do you really want kids, deep down do you want these little infants that inevitably grow up to leave you alone once more?

I don't feel I know myself any more. something, somewhere inside my mind, has changed. 

Do I still feel the need to have children? I think so.

Will I still feel that need say, in a years' time? Probably.

Am I going to feel the need to be so dependant on someone else in my life rather than being more independant, making my own decisions my own way in a years time? Maybe.

What scares me here, is .. a month ago, two months, a year, these answers were a definite:  Yes;  Yes; and No.

What I need to know is .. Why. Why have these needs changed in my mind?

I think this just proves the point my English teacher was telling us; a famous quote some guy had said: "You're not a person until you die".  Meaning, that every single day of your life, something is going to change about you. You can't say that you're a 'type' of person one day, then be a different person the next. It makes sense, you see. It may explain why I'm experiencing the change in feelings towards what I've wanted since I was about .. 5.

When I was 5, I dreamt of the perfect white wedding.

That changed.

When I was around 10, I dreamt of the perfect outdoor wedding, out of church.

That's also changed.

I was 13, I'd stopped dreaming about weddings at all. wasn't sure If I wanted it any more.

That changed.

But then again, when I was 13, I didn't want to live any more. So what was the point in fascinating myself with the future?

My plans when I was 13, involved me being dead just over a year now.

That changed too.

I had names and how many kids I wanted picked out when I was 12.

That all changed, all except one name.

Now I'm questioning whether I want them at all now.

I'm not sure what my point is to be honest, I'll probably feel different in the next few days, but currently ... I'm not sure.  Think I'm going to sleep, and see how I feel about these thoughts in the morning.

Night bloggers.

Instant Society

It has truly hit home for me, how much our lives depend on technology - and speed of delivery.

back before texts ( and emails, for that matter) if you didn't have a phone of some sort, then you would have to wait days, weeks at a time before receiving a reply from your friend who lives on the other side of the country.

Yet nowadays; people get annoyed, frustrated if their Facebook page doesn't load within 30 seconds?

 And all they really want to do is see what people they don't really care about are doing with their pet rock.

It was driven into my head the other day, during geography class; My teacher was trying to open a Powerpoint presentation on an old school computer. She started getting frustrated literally, after about 20 seconds because it was still loading.

we've become and instant society - if what we want isn't delivered in the blink of an eye, we begin to complain about things being 'slow'.  If you really want to know what slow is,  go back in time and live even 50 years before now. Then you will know what slow is. If you weren't fortunate enough to have a car to go and see people, then you had the gnawing wait before your letter would arrive. Then the same, sending away your reply.

We need to stop being so dependant on speed on things - time may be of the essence, however the wait can make the end product that little more enjoyable.