Twisted Mind.

All I have running through my mind at the moment is SuperChic[k] - Courage.  I'm totally lost in the lyrics at the moment .. 

It somehow makes me feel like I should stick with purging. Not just stick to it actually, but do it more regularly. Take back control. Something I can never find within my self at home any more - it's always other people trying to control me. Well that's one thing they'll never be able to control, they can't force me to do JACK SHIT when it comes to food. They can fucking force-feed me if they want, doesn't mean I'm going keep that poison inside me.

I'm not going to let myself be poisoned with that stupid excuse for sustenance.  They lie to you, you see. They tell you that you NEED to eat to live. No you don't, just a way for the fucking Government to boost their pay cheque. Well, that's fucked right up for them then. Not letting them get to me any more.

 Parents can get themselves to fuck as well. Well, more so my mum actually.  She thinks she has reason to be pissed at me?  I'll fucking give her one then. I'm just one push, one SINGLE PUSH away from shattering open a fucking razor and letting the blood run right in front of her - see how she reacts then. Probably get more pissed at me, but that's the point. Just to prove to her she has no hold over my life, and she never will. Quicker I can get the fuck away from her the better.

To be honest, I wouldn't even be surprised if she didn't really care about that. She's stopped me from getting the help I needed before, so if she didn't want me to get better then she wouldn't mind me continuing the habits which could probably kill me someday. She never wanted a daughter anyway, so no big loss for her.

And I KNOW she didn't want a daughter. She has actually told me that before, her first born, the darling perfect SON of hers, before she knew he was a boy she was terrified he was going to turn out to be a girl. She didn't want one. She tells me that after him, she was looking forward to having a girl but I know she's just talking a load of shit so I don't feel unwanted. It's clear though that she doesn't, no matter how well she tries to hide it.

So there you go; A useless load of information and ranting. She doesn't want me to be here any more, well she never wanted me here to begin with.  

I'll make her fucking happy then.

"That was Andy"

Andrew Whiteley; 23rd October 1956 - 19th February 2011.

He was a loving husband, father, teacher and co-worker. Will always be remembered as one of the funniest teachers, yet serious when need be. Such moving speeches from my Headmaster,  Mr Whiteley's best friend David Renfrew and his golfing buddy Ian McQuarrie. Very touching service and amazing turnout; It was obvious that he touched many lives, and will always live on in our hearts.

I never knew him personally, but several times when I was in 4th year he'd come into our graphics class always laughing and joking with a smile on his face - he never seemed sad or down at any point, he hid the fact he was seriously ill very well.  He made the brave decision several months ago to cease the treatment that was prolonging his life; he was one of the many, many undeserving people to suffer the horrible illness of cancer. And last saturday, he passed away.  Even in his last days, he was still a cheerful joking guy.

It was mentioned in Mr Maxwell's speech, that one of the technical teachers were talking to him - " You taught me everything I know."   His response, quick as lightening " That's not something I would brag about."  Always joking even to his death. That was Andy.

You were loved, and you always will be. One of the best technical teachers I'd ever known, even if I never had you as a teacher personally.

R.I.P Mr Whiteley, in our hearts forever you will be. 

I Hath Decided Upon A Main Point--

I think I may use this blog for two main things:

- To help improve my writing/general English skills.

- To help keep track of my weight loss journey, publicly but without people I'm close to reading everything I'm saying just yet. Shall let people see in time.

I've had a problem with my weight most of my life; I began putting on weight when I was about eight or nine years old. I used to become ill every year for a fortnight, Gastroenteritis, which kept my weight pretty low. But then it stopped and my weight rocketed - and been struggling to get it back to normal ever since.

So far, since last May, I've done pretty well.  I've lost 2stone 5lb(35lbs for those who don't use stones), although that's partly down to the fact I was on the brink of developing bulimia. That .. phase - I'm resenting calling it a phase, but no other word to describe it at the moment - is almost completely over, it did last about 3 - 4 months but not on a daily basis. ( It was a daily basis thing when it started, but that lasted a fortnight).

Been attending the gym weekly; cut down on the amount I eat in general; cut down drastically on the amount of fried foods and sugary foods I consume; and now I'm going to begin training for the 5k Race for Life in June after my exams finish. So far I've not done that much, walked/jogged a mile and a half about ... 3 times? over the last fortnight. Damn you weather, damn you. 

      However I have tested how long it takes me to do 3 miles ( yes, 5k is about 3 miles -I swear they just say kilometres to make it sound longer)  in the gym, and I managed it in 43 minutes. Not too bad for a first attempt at actually testing my distance running. If I can boost that up and do more training outside, then I'll be laughing.

Now, stats. I'll give a key for those who aren't sure what I'm meaning:

BW - Beginning weight

LW - Lowest weight

HW - Highest weight

GW - Goal weight.

CW - Current weight.

So, my stats are as follows :-

HW:  12st 8lbs (194lbs)

LW : 11st 6lbs (161lbs)

CW:  11st 10lbs.

I now can't be bothered working out the stones =pounds ratio, so if you want to figure it out it's 14lbs to 1 stone.

GW1: 11st 7 ( I had passed that, but it went back up. Shall get there again!)

GW2: 11st

GW3: 10st.

What are my reasons for losing weight? 

Well, I want to feel more confident in myself in general. Feel good in the clothes I wear, and know that my health won't be in danger in the future. Oh, and so my fitness can improve. I like running but can't do it for very long. I want to be one of those girls that are noticed more, walking down the street looking particularly fit maybe, since then I wouldn't be hiding under layers of clothes to hide what I don't feel comfortable in.

I know that the whole 'skinny scene' isn't as attractive to people as it's made out to be, but I want to be like that. Not totally stick thin, but .. size 10 - 12 in clothes where I can have a nice tight abs and feeling awesome.

I'm suddenly aware that this post is going on quite a bit, so I'll continue this another day.

Au revoir, mes amis!

So You've had a bad day

Ever have those days where, nothing particular really happens but you feel as if the whole worlds come crashing down on you?

Experiencing that kind of day today, I think. Woke up not in the greatest of moods; when I ate - it added to that mood ( since I hate eating, I wasn't even hungry so I had no reason to); Went out for a walk and came back in pain for some reason, again added; and then -shock horror- my mother has a go at me for stuff that has nothing to do with me. So yes, that's led to me being well and truly pissed off for the night.

And the fact that I'm in a very reclusive mindset at the moment, I can't talk to anyone. Even if I wanted to. I'm in this bubble that won't seem to pop, stopping people getting in; stopping me from getting out.

 I just want to sleep to escape the pain in my stomach and legs, and hope not to wake with it still there. Hell, maybe not wake at all. Yes, that's how bad the mood is.

But; Let us be more cheery! Valentines Day on Monday. I Really wish I could be with my guy but alas, 400 odd miles apart kind of makes that difficult. Ah well, I'm happy enough when I'm talking to him, always improves my day. Maybe next year will be the first year I'll finally get to spend the day in his arms. But for now; his smile is enough for me to be happy on Valentines' Day. 

First Time Post.

So, this will be my first blog. Never done this before, but from what I've been told it feels good to keep an online  blog. Like a diary except anyone can read it - personal yet exposed to the world. Keep it hidden from friends and family but still manage to get out how you feel about a particular issue in your life.

I'm not really sure what my point is going to be in this particular post. I suppose it's just to introduce myself to the bloggers world and get the feel for writing. So what do you want to know?  Typical  Name/Age/Live etc? or anything more interesting. Yes, I think we'll start with that.

 Name: Hazel

Age:     16; soon to be 17

Live:    Glasgow Girl all the way! for those of you who don't know; that's in Scotland. UK.

Anything more interesting you would like to know? Well, not particularly interesting but I'm a high school student doing my highers currently.

 I'm totally against racism ( although as most of us are, guilty of the occasional racial comment. I don't mean to do it, they just come out and yes, it makes me feel bad for doing so) and animal abuse; How any any being could hurt an innocent animal that's possibly incapable of defending itself is sick - Not even worth calling them a human. It's a tangent I could go off on at a later date I think. Yes, Think I now have a topic for a future blog. :)
Oh, and of course. I have a boyfriend, whom I love very much. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me, has helped me get through so much and has helped me change my life for the better pretty drastically. 

And as the majority of the 'Ipod generation' seem to, I love my music.   I have a diverse taste in music; anything from pop to rock, metal to jazz, electro to industrial, you get the idea. I'll give anything a listen at least once!

Think that's a wrap for a first post, don't want to bore anyone with too much so early on. That's if anyone even reads this straight off, but I'm not bothered. :)