We all have those thoughts, at night when we're (physically) alone .. do you really know yourself? Is what you claim to want in life, what you really want? What you thought you've wanted since you were a little child .. is that what you still aim for when you've grown that bit older?
Children, for instance.
We're brought up and told that .. man and woman fall in love, happily get married and have loads of kids. We're brought up to WANT that life. But -women especially here- have you ever sat and thought .. do you really want kids, deep down do you want these little infants that inevitably grow up to leave you alone once more?
I don't feel I know myself any more. something, somewhere inside my mind, has changed.
Do I still feel the need to have children? I think so.
Will I still feel that need say, in a years' time? Probably.
Am I going to feel the need to be so dependant on someone else in my life rather than being more independant, making my own decisions my own way in a years time? Maybe.
What scares me here, is .. a month ago, two months, a year, these answers were a definite: Yes; Yes; and No.
What I need to know is .. Why. Why have these needs changed in my mind?
I think this just proves the point my English teacher was telling us; a famous quote some guy had said: "You're not a person until you die". Meaning, that every single day of your life, something is going to change about you. You can't say that you're a 'type' of person one day, then be a different person the next. It makes sense, you see. It may explain why I'm experiencing the change in feelings towards what I've wanted since I was about .. 5.
When I was 5, I dreamt of the perfect white wedding.
That changed.
When I was around 10, I dreamt of the perfect outdoor wedding, out of church.
That's also changed.
I was 13, I'd stopped dreaming about weddings at all. wasn't sure If I wanted it any more.
That changed.
But then again, when I was 13, I didn't want to live any more. So what was the point in fascinating myself with the future?
My plans when I was 13, involved me being dead just over a year now.
That changed too.
I had names and how many kids I wanted picked out when I was 12.
That all changed, all except one name.
Now I'm questioning whether I want them at all now.
I'm not sure what my point is to be honest, I'll probably feel different in the next few days, but currently ... I'm not sure. Think I'm going to sleep, and see how I feel about these thoughts in the morning.
Night bloggers.
